Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Lucky me

People will say that I am lazy. People will say that I am spoiled. People will say lots of things about me, so what I am I going to do about it…I’m going to let them, because I don’t care what they think.
After many discussions and even more back and forth, here I am in Delaware unemployed, unpacking, and trying to make this place feel like home. I have no clocks in the house except for the few that were here, such as the stove. But I like it like this. I wake up when I am ready to get out of bed, and I go to sleep when I am tired, sounds grand doesn’t it?
Well, it really has been a month of ups and downs. Going from working 2 jobs, to none sounds exciting and scary. I mean, it’s like a vacation right?! Except for the excruciating pain and mental frustration of OCD and perfectionism haunting me as I walk into unpainted rooms with boxes still sitting in them, but other than that, it’s really exciting. It’s only been a week I should cut myself a break, but let’s be realistic...I can’t. I try to say out loud, “it’s okay, I will get to it later,” but inside I worry what if later I can’t?
About two weeks ago the doctor told me that I am lucky. There are people that one day wake up and can’t get out of bed for a year. I sat there in silence and as my husband thought I was annoyed at him telling me how lucky I was, I was more scared at the prospect of being bed ridden for longer than a day. It never occurred to me that it could just out of nowhere get worse. I just thought that I could get myself under control then move on with my life.   
Moving is fun, exciting and extremely stressful, but as the days turn into nights, and more and more gets done, it feels vaguely as if it’s becoming a home. I have insisted we take all depressing colors off the walls and it make it soothing and warm as we can. I don’t want my house to feel like a depressing cave on the days that it hurts too much to leave it.
So sure there will be people who say how lucky I am to not be working right now, or how spoiled I am that my husband works so hard to make sure I have a roof over my head. People will say I look good, or how I don’t look like I’m in pain at all! People can say what they want now, because I plan on taking as little time or as much time I need to get myself together. I have changed my diet, decided to not live by a clock, and paint if I want to paint. If I choose to walk around with a limp because I want to walk, that’s my choice. If I choose to take a day off and you come to my house with all the furniture pushed to the center of the room, you are more than welcome to help paint!

1 comment:

  1. As a fellow perfectionist... I say... GO GIRL! Every time that perfectionist voice in your head sneaks up, ask yourself HONESTLY... What's the worst that will happen if I don't do this? The real answer (most of the time) is "nothing". It really will help you to stop beating yourself up. it is very liberating to sit down one day and to say to yourself "I am going to be kind to myself. I am not going to anguish myself over petty things or over things that don't make me happy. I will do the things I want, the things that will make me happy, and the things that make me feel good about the investment I've put into them rather than torturing myself."... Good luck girl. Hang in there. And treat yourself to being as nice to yourself as you are to other people.