I was told there would be good days, and bad days. And, that there will be a time when you are getting better and better, and then there will be a setback. Don’t get discouraged by the setback I was warned, yet here I am at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep and trying very hard to not be discouraged.
For the last few weeks, each day I felt better and better. My limp was all gone, my swelling and joint pain all but a ghost as it barely impaired me. I could lay down in the bed and fall asleep within minutes because there wasn’t the 30 minutes of slow unwinding back pain. My Charlie horses were all forgotten as if it had all been a nightmare. Was I 100%, no, but I was just like an out of shape person who could actually sit and watch tv without getting up 20 times to readjust.
Then yesterday this terrible wave came over me and I actually had to sit down. It took all of my energy to not start to cry as the jabbing pains seemingly came out of nowhere and the muscles in my legs began to tighten. Trying to stay calm I slowly moved back and forth as if to ease the pain, and keep from getting stiff, but here I am the next night tight with pain, twitching, swelling and frustration.
I didn’t realize how upsetting it would be to feel bad again. I have felt 20 times worse, but to start down this path of pain is scary, I don’t ever want to feel that bad again. My brain is saying, “stay calm you are only making it worse!” But as my muscles tense and my wrists and fingers throb with every tap on the keyboard I can’t help be feel a tightening in my chest that travels up my neck to my jaw.
Set backs are natural in life, this isn’t something I don’t know. What I don’t know is why I am taking it so hard when I know that I am probably making it worse. I think it’s time for a hobby outside of this house. Something other than unpacking and painting, and all the things that come with home ownership. I want to run, yet I can barely walk. So, it’s time to take a baby step, and go out and find something fun and exciting, it’s time to do something…something fun, with limited physical exertion as a plus!