So usually when I have a deep upset feeling, something that scares me, or makes my heart hurt, I push it as deep inside of me as I can. I thought this time I would take that hurt and lay it out and see if it makes any sense once I type it. Then once I read it.
I ask my husband from time to time, pretty much every time we are around children, “do you want children.” His response is always vaguely the same, “not right now,” or “someday.” Then he looks as me and asks me and I just agree with whatever he says always adding, “but maybe never.” A few months ago when I went to the doctors it was to find out what was going on with me, because if we were going to try and have a baby I wanted to be in peak health first.
Well, as the story goes I was getting worse as I was doing physical therapy, and finally after many tests I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I have always been on the fence about children, more leaning towards not having any, for most of my adult life. I questioned always if I would be a good mother, and even worse if I could be as selfless as you have to be. I take being a parent very seriously, and have thought it through and through so many times, always walking the fine line of should I be a parent?
So when the doctor said about how people can just wake up one day, and be unable to get out of bed for a year, this has really stung me. I feel so burdened to the core and more confused than ever. I mean, isn’t this what I wanted? To not feel weird that I didn’t have children, or come off as cold and heartless, but that I have a medical real reason to be scared? Should this not be the sigh of relief that I was looking for?! It’s out of my hands!
But the other night Michael says, “it’s not fair that you don’t tell me if you really want children or not,” since I always agree with him. But today, on my birthday, getting a year older, and closer to the time when having a child will not be as much of a choice anymore, I feel sad. Sure I say how they are too much work, because let’s be honest children are a lot of work! Maybe I have shaped my opinion on not having a child based on how I haven’t felt strong enough in years. There are too many maybes. But when I see how much my nieces and nephew bring such light in their parent’s eyes, I always leave with a slight ache in my heart that I won’t ever have that.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. I guess that’s good, because it means I haven’t said no completely. But when you have a child, you have to get out of bed. So now as I read this, and look at my computer I think, wow, I don’t think you are wrong for not knowing what to do. I think I’m right to be scared and unsure. But today is my birthday, so I’m going to put that out of my head and go see a movie because there is no point in worrying about anything other than if I want extra butter on my popcorn today.